Are the psychotraumatizers in your life parents, caregivers, peers, teachers, strangers, or siblings? Who hurt you, villains or victims? It is a question that does not have a single or simple answer. Each individual who wants to move out of the Borderline Zone will need to answer this question in their own way. You will find that your answer will change as you recover. It may take many years before you are at peace with your “final” answer.
To illustrate the complexities of this question, review Samuel’s story, and know he now lives in the Free Zone.
When I was growing up, there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t wish that things were different. I loved my parents. I don’t think I necessarily wanted different parents. I just wanted my parents to be different, to have different standards of conduct and attitudes.
One of the things that really hurt me a lot is that my parents never said they were sorry for anything they did to me.
My parents yelled at me, beat me, ignored me, mocked my nervous facial tics, and taught me to feel like I was an unwanted piece of dirt. But we always said we love each other.
My parents’ alcoholism made me feel very sad. I really did love my parents a lot. I just hated what they became after just a few beers. Every day I felt completely powerless about what was going to happen between me and my family.
My parents still don’t seem to understand what they put us, kids, through. When I think about it, I often feel the
pain curdling in my stomach.
If there is one thing in my life now that is keeping me strong, it is the fact that I did make amends with my stepfather, and so did he with me. There was nothing one-sided about this, we both forgave each other for the past and moved on with life. For now, no longer is the hurt I feel from my parents going to dictate my life or my actions. I wish that I could say that I am totally free of the pain and suffering, but, then, I’d be lying, and I’ve done enough of that.
Samuel did not want different parents. He wanted loving parents who would have created a secure, stable, and happy home. Samuel reveals the anger he feels toward his parents for what they did to him, but he also shares the fact that he loves them despite what happened. He longs for reconciliation with his parents, but only managed to achieve this with his stepfather. He also realized that the way he was treated continues to cause him a lot of pain that, in the past, drove him to punish himself.
It is very common for people who live in the Borderline Zone to learn how to punish themselves for the way their psychotraumatizers made them feel. They punish themselves because their trauma made them feel that they are bad, if not evil, people. They punish themselves for the way their parents, siblings, peers, and others treated them. If treated badly, they learn to feel that they are bad, and bad people deserve to be punished. So, as adolescents or adults who live in the BZ (Borderline Zone), they seek to hurt themselves with pleasure and pain to make their badness go away. The insight that you need to grasp is that you are not bad. Your psychotraumatizer’s actions were bad. They treated you horribly because of their own, perhaps overwhelming problems; not because you were bad or evil. Chances are that your psychotraumatizers were psychotraumatized themselves. This was true for Samuel.
If Samuel’s story sounds familiar, reach out to a BlueSky Behavioral Health expert today and feel confident in the guidance you receive. Recovery takes time so why prolong your way to a healthier happier life? Call or send us a message today, we are here to help.
